Malawi – The Journey That Broke Me: A Personal Testimony
The Beginning:
5 years ago I felt the Lord calling me to Malawi. Every time someone talked about it, I felt the stirring in my heart. For 5 years I tried to go on this outreach, and for 4 years in a row it didn’t work out. First it was money, then it was the vaccines that nobody talks about, then it was money again, and then my exams. I experienced the Lord saying, finish your studies, I will make a way for you. The day after I submitted my last assignment and received confirmation to write my exam, the money came through. Every cent! The missionary in me activates. The excitement bubbles up in me!
This is where my journey begins, my journey with the Lord! The lead-up to departure day was wild. Men’s conference, Women’s conference, launching my Business, Exams – everything just before I leave for Malawi. If you want to know how to upset the enemy, this is how. You do everything the Lord says, even when the finances, timeline and capacity make no sense at all. That’s when you can no longer operate in your own strength, that’s when the Lord shows you what He can do… Or so I thought. I was convinced I was ready for what Malawi was going to bring. Wow, was I wrong!!
The Preparation:
For months I was bored at work, things were going well at home, my soul was peaceful, but when I booked the flights, chaos broke loose. Preparation? What preparation? I had no time to be still, I had no time to get a word, the Lord was completely silent. The day before we flew I had to work late, I borrowed a bag and threw in what I could get with no planning, lists or anything. So many things were left behind. I just said, Lord here I am now, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m not ready, I didn’t remember everything. Just please don’t let me die?
I Died:
I died! My flesh died right on the first day. With blisters under my feet that burst so that my socks stuck to the soles of my feet, to cramps in my chubby body that I can’t describe. And that was day 1! At the end of day 2 I’m lying on the porch at the base with my sore raw feet in the air against a pillar, the tears roll and I cry out in my innermost to the Lord! Why Jesus, why am I here if I have to suffer like this? How Lord, how will I continue if I can’t move! Just then the Holy Spirit comes and so beautifully and gently He says to me “You are here because I allow you to be here, I don’t need you, I want to show you what I can do.” There on my back with my fat little feet in the air I break into a thousand pieces. There in that moment the Lord breaks my entire being! Everything I believed and thought, in shards!
As the tears roll I confess my arrogance before the Lord, and a gratitude comes over me that I can’t describe. The Creator of the universe wants me involved in what He wants to do, with one word He speaks things to life. He is my provider, my healer and my Father. He loves me so much that He wants to involve me in what He does for others!
Many times I hear people say I’m just a vessel for the Lord, but actually we’re not, we are nothing without Him. He doesn’t need a vessel or a channel, but He loves us so much that He wants to show us. This changed my entire view of God. I understand the Fear of the Lord now for the first time. The Fear of the Lord is His immeasurable love for us, His omnipotence and His almighty power!
I sit upright, put my little hands on my raw feet and say Lord, waste me, use me as You will, just give me what I need to continue. The next morning the blisters, the raw skin and all the thorns are gone. Thank you Jesus! This little soldier will drag her chubby body from house to house to see the Lord’s power! There were times when I had so much pain in my feet that I couldn’t breathe. But what does the Lord do? He uses those times when I can’t do anything but be still, to come strengthen me, to feed me and to make me grow.
My Death Has Died:
Day 2 was rough, we’re up and down mountains, physically we all struggle, but the Lord remains faithful, every interaction, every prayer immediately answered. The miracles, healings, deliverances and souls for the kingdom are so overwhelming you forget your pain, your hunger and your tiredness. I learned on this day that the Lord’s sense of humour is so good. The first 6 women I pray for have burning feet! They walk kilometres every day for water, food and everything they need. Some of them don’t even wear shoes. He healed them, my feet were dead.
Day 3 starts so well, I feel fantastic, even though I still look like death. I’m ready for another day of getting hot, wet sweat and lukewarm water, but with a heart full of expectation to see what the Lord wants to do. After a while one foot starts hurting, the pain gets worse, so much so that I become completely lightheaded and fight to hold back the tears. I walk and pray, pull off the shoe now and then to check if there’s a little stone troubling me, but nothing. The pain is almost impossible to ignore. We come together again for lunch, I pull off my shoe and see a small blister, a blood blister – I reckon it’s probably that little stone I couldn’t find, but mercy the pain is so bad it shoots up my leg, feels like my toe is almost broken off. So that I can’t put my shoes back on. To my mercy, a friend lends me her flip-flops. Walk I will walk, even if it’s now so slowly and limping. So we continue until I couldn’t anymore.
Grace:
The next morning the blister is bigger, the foot is swollen, I just say Lord, we move. I will keep moving. We burst the blister, stick all of Stian’s plasters over every scratch I have, and there we go on, barefoot in the bush, it’s raining softly, the mud gives relief. The whole day I walk without any pain.
Day 5… Now this is a story, we drive far, I get a fever, my feet look like balloons about to burst, but it’s ok. The outreach is over, we’re on the way to the guest house, dinner, sleep and airport. I will survive. Hold on feet, hold on!
My Feet Held:
I learned that the Lord does what He wants, how He wants and that it’s a privilege to serve others together with Him. With or without me every knee will bow! Actually I have nothing to do with His plan. I learned that fellowship isn’t just a coffee on a Sunday morning before church.
Fellowship is sharing in pain, in testimonies, in prayer and when Paul wrote that we must bear with one another he didn’t mean when we’re a bit upset with each other at church, but actually when you can no longer continue on your own and others must literally bear your pain when you can’t anymore.
Fellowship is holding up each other’s arms when there’s nothing left of that person, it’s laying on hands and braiding hair and sticking plasters on ugly toes. It’s laughing when there are only tears left.
It’s walking slowly with the last old sheep that’s struggling. Fellowship as Jesus wants it is to bear with one another in everything even when the inverter’s alarm screams all night! Fellowship is family, it’s ugly and messy, but it’s love.
All I hold onto, Lord, my pain was a small price! You paid the ultimate price, what You did for me and the whole earth to be tortured and crucified is the reason why I will never again take my salvation and my eternal life for granted.
Thank you Jesus! Thank you for my life! Thank you that You involve me in Your plan. May You waste me for the rest of my life here on earth! Break me more and more! See you next time Malawi! We’re coming for you!
PS: Sometimes a little stone in your shoe isn’t a little stone! Sometimes it’s a thing that can bite, but even then the Lord comes through.
I am totally in awe with this testimony, Carla. My tears are flowing like rivers down my cheeks, praising God, for being so blessed to be your mother. Our God is alove!!
The nostalgia! With just a few words, I got to relive every single anointed moment again. So honoured to have witnessed and walked beside you on this journey! Die Here lééf!!!
What an inspiring testimony! Thank you for sharing your story and setting such a faithful example.
To many more..